Summertime Sadness
by myinnerbecky
Summary: My first time writing anything. Takes place shortly after Dean gets back from Hell. Dean has a nightmare, Sam comforts him. No slash or anything, just some cuddling! The title is from the Lana Del Rey song. I don't own Supernatural or anything related to it!


My first time writing anything. Takes place shortly after Dean gets back from Hell. The title is from the Lana Del Rey song. I do not own Supernatural or anything related to it!

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Sam woke up to the sound of groaning in the bed next to him. Confused, he flicked on the bedside light. He glanced at his brother, but he seemed to be fast asleep. Sam took a moment to register his surroundings. He and Dean were on the way to a case across the country and had stopped at the motel for the night. They still had about twelve hours of driving to do the next day before they would reach their destination. The motel room was fairly generic. It was decked in green, from the carpets to the walls to the bathroom titles. The bed sheets were a deep evergreen color and smelled faintly of cigar smoke. It was a decent place and it certainly suited their needs. Sam checked the alarm - 3:37 am. He sighed sleepily and was moving to turn off the light when he heard Dean groan again. He studied his brother more carefully this time, and realized that Dean was having a nightmare. He'd been having a lot of those ever since he got back from Hell, not that he ever admitted it. He steadfastly refused to discuss what he had been through with Sam. It was frustrating, seeing the pain he was in and not knowing exactly what caused it or how to help. Dean had recently admitted that he had been tortured in Hell and had eventually succumbed to the relief provided by becoming the torturer. Sam couldn't even imagine what that must have been like for him. He couldn't help but think that Dean wouldn't be suffering the way he was now if he hadn't sacrificed himself in order to save Sam's life. Every time Sam saw that far-away look in his brother's eyes, he felt a pang of guilt. He knew it had been Dean's choice, but that didn't make it any easier.

Lost in thought, Sam was startled when Dean let out a yell. His face was twitching and he was clearly terrified. Sam went over to wake him up, gently shaking his shoulder. "Dean. Dean! Wake up, you're having a nightmare." Dean just seemed to fall deeper into his nightmare, his expression haunting Sam. It broke his heart that Dean couldn't escape his grief even in sleep. Sam started to shake him more aggressively. "Dean! You need to wake up man, it's not real. You're sleeping. You're back, out of Hell. You're safe now." After a few more shakes, Dean awoke with a start. His eyes were unfocused, filled with fear and anguish.

"Sammy?" Dean panted.

"Hey, man. You're okay. You were just having a nightmare." The concern was evident in his voice.

To Sam's shock, his brother's face crumpled. He started to cry, silently at first but slowly his sobs began to build until they were racking his body. Sam had never seen his brother show such raw emotion and was taken aback for a moment. He shifted so that he was holding Dean. He slowly rubbed his back, doing his best to provide some sort of comfort. He whispered reassurances. "It's okay, Dean. You got out of Hell. I'm here now, you're not alone. I'm not going to let anything else happen to you. You're okay." Sam didn't know who he was trying to convince, Dean or himself. The fact that Dean was even allowing Sam to see him like this, let alone hold him, was alarming on of itself. The pain he must be in was unfathomable. There was need written all over his face. The need to be close to someone, to be comforted, to feel safe. To forget the horrors he had suffered. The horrors he had inflicted.

"You don't know what I'm capable of, Sammy. The things I did to those people. Innocent people. I'm no better than the monsters we hunt… I tortured people. I see their faces in my sleep, I hear their screams. Every morning I have to wake up with the knowledge of what I did, of who I am. How am I supposed to live with that?" Dean implored, hiccuping slightly.

"Dean, you were in Hell. They tortured you for thirty years. I can't even imagine what that must have done to you. You're only human, you can't blame yourself for wanting to stop the suffering. You're a good person. We do good, we help people. That's who you are. You are not what you did in that place."

"Easy for you to say, Sam. You didn't see those people… all those people… I can't ever atone for that. I can try to save as many people as I possible can for the rest of my life, however long that might be. But it will never be enough. I will never be the same as I was before I went." Dean had calmed down, seeming to accept what he was saying.

"You did the best you could, man. Nobody could ever blame you for what you did down there. The only reason you were down there in the first place was because you saved my life. Now I finally have you back. You might not be the same, but you're still my brother. I still love you, and I'd still do anything for you." Sam was looking at his brother earnestly, needing him to understand. To be okay.

"Yeah, whatever. You're right, I guess. I'll be fine. Sorry bro. I don't know what came over me." Dean said, clearly embarrassed by his outburst. "Don't worry about me, go back to sleep."

"Don't worry about it." Sam replied. He wasn't fooled, though. His brother still looked haunted, and he doubted that either of them would be getting any sleep tonight. "Scooch over. We have a long drive ahead of us tomorrow and we need to be well rested."

Dean looked hesitant, but complied. It worried Sam that he didn't even resist. It showed how truly vulnerable he was feeling. Sam climbed into bed next to Dean, who had rolled onto his side. Sam reached over him and turned out the light. He kept his arm over Dean, wrapping it across his stomach. He snuggled close, resting the side of his head against his brother's back. Dean instantly relaxed, feeling secure in his brother's arms. He was so relieved that it outweighed his typical reservations about being so close with his brother. He fell asleep within minutes.

Sam simultaneously felt and heard Dean's breathing slow down as he fell asleep. His body relaxed, the tension he carried around all day melting away. Sam felt a surge of determination. He would look out for Dean. He would never let him go through anything like Hell ever again. Comforted by this, Sam eventually drifted off to sleep. The two slept peacefully, knowing that despite everything they had been through, at least they always had each other.


End file.
